Access — How a weekend in nature and a friend break up made me think about accessibility to each other
I’ve been ruminating on a few words lately.
I wanted to take a moment to look at one.
Access.
With the lens on interpersonal relationships, this is an interesting concept. There seems to be an unspoken idea that once a relationship is exclusive, or a certain level of intimacy is reached, we are allowed to have or deserve to have full access to a person.
We see it all the time. Texts and calls throughout the day, the idea of the “nagging” spouse, the going through your phone, the always digging, the expectation of always getting an immediate response from someone, and the list can go on and on.
Taking a step back, I question if this is more control over another person for your gain, and not a genuine desire to get to know the person, to be excited about what they are excited about.
It’s often written about the idea of control, and how it helps individuals control if and when they get hurt, how much to divulge, and what to make available for the other person. So why is it that we want this access to other people but won’t give it to them? And what’s worse, why is it that we don’t give ourselves access to OURSELVES?
I have recently had a friend break up. Sometimes, for me those are worse than the romantic ones.
As I’ve been going through it, I’ve been actively spending a lot of time with myself. Reading, walking, enjoying the things that I love by myself, for myself. I’ve also been very aware of how my interactions with others affect me, what kind of thoughts they illicit, and how I feel when I’m around them. What I’ve observed, is that my favorite moments come when I am experiencing something with someone for whom I care about, and they begin to give a little bit more of themselves to me.
Last weekend, my brother, a good friend and I went up to Storm King Arts Center. I absolutely love nature, it is my church, my safety, my happy place. Then comes museums. So an Art Museum OUT IN NATURE!? Heaven! As we were walking around viewing the pieces, and just walking in nature, what happened was utter magic to me. (I am learning to respect the word Magic more, that’s another story for another day) We started to share memories, stories, and perspectives based on what we were viewing and experiencing together. This is imperative to relationship building for me. When I stepped back to think about that weekend, I realized these moments are why I get so much joy out of sharing the things that I love with the people I love. Not only are they here with me, they are experiencing it, and sharing things as we go through it together.
That is the power of art, that is the power of friendship.
There was a trust there, to truly make oneself more accessible then they previously were.
Being vulnerable is not just sharing the tears, but speaking up when we are afraid, but sure that it needs to be spoken. Vulnerability is specific to each person, because there may be topics that one person is more comfortable sharing than someone else.
As I’ve been sharing more of my exposing songs, I understand the importance of being open, and being accessible to myself. I understand the value of myself and I do not want to waste my access on folks that may be draining me of my magic.
I also understand the power of having access to someone else. It is a gift, that can leave before a person leaves this earth, and that may be the most heartbreaking of all. Am I, at this moment, able to have access to my particular friends mind and heart and laugh and companionship? No, and it’s frustrating and upsetting and heartbreaking, but I must value their choice.
It’s time we talk about access in our interpersonal relationships, and how we truly want to live life with each other in this crazy big world!
What does access mean to you? Have you had moments when you wanted to know everything about the person? What was the fuel behind that desire? What do you let people have access to from you, that you might want to cut out?