Belief: How the Journey Can Be the Destination

No journey is ever linear. It often comes with twists and turns, bumps and bruises, highs and lows. As a chronic overthinker, I believed showing the journey wasn’t important. I believed that the process is for me, and the end result is for the world. I believed that exposing that part took something away from the final product, that there would be less magic in the final result. Lately, I’ve been more about embracing the whole picture, and not just the polished ending. No two people will ever go through something with the same experience. The same can be said about art. Just because someone sees how it’s done doesn’t mean they’ll ever be able to recreate it in the same way as another. That’s where the magic is! Magic runs much deeper than the parts of the process I decide, or anyone decides to share.

Sometimes the hardest part about change is coming to terms with the fact that you knew you had to, but it took something of great magnitude to move you to that change. The thing I’ve found, (which to me, is a good thing) is that the catalyst for the change loses its brightness and magnitude as the journey continues. I’m in the middle of a new exploration into vulnerability. I mentioned briefly in an Instagram caption, this new performance persona, the Solivagant - (it’ll also be the name of my ep that I’m working on) but this solo wanderer, who takes great joy in doing it alone is such a perfect word for the state I’ve been in lately. 

I do not discredit anyone who helped me along the way and who continues to support me. We very rarely do anything of any importance alone. But there are times when we most certainly have to do things by ourselves, for ourselves. It is often difficult to be the only one to go to for decision making, but that’s what life is, just a series of decisions to be made. 

This forced secludedness has given me the time to mull over so many ideas. As friends who are close to me will tell you, it’s not easy for me to slow down. It’s not easy for me either to put words to my ideas. I oftentimes have to talk through things that are in my head in order to make better sense of them. Thank you to the friends that consistently help me translate myself. The ideas that I have in my mind often feel like a scattered unsolved jigsaw puzzle. Though, I’m not sure if the ideas are singular pieces or their own jigsaw puzzle in and of themselves. In any case, that translation helps me see each picture more clearly than before, which is imperative in creating something.

Creativity for me comes from being in the moment, walking this world as a solo wanderer. Being available to the world gives me material to write about. It gives me a chance to feel something. It gives me the opportunity to be influenced by a new thing all the time. This idea of exploring things on my own is really seductive: it lures me in to be heavily exposed and able to explore all that is within me. I have no one requiring an explanation. 

As my journey continues, I find out more and more about myself. The deep dives into what influenced how I behave as an adult are difficult, and lately happening often. What I’m leaning into now is how to be truly confident in my belief in myself as an artist and how that is expressed. I am an artist. I create because it’s what I am wired to do. That creation looks like so many different things, but my foundation as an artist is with music. Music has always been my number one vehicle for storytelling and expressing emotion. It’s never easy to do things differently though. I have always been a little different, and hard to put in a box, though people try. I don’t mind them equating my artistry with someone else’s. What I mind is them not seeing me for me only. To be seen that way, I’ve realized, means you must be extremely clear on what it is you’re giving. I’ve neglected clarity before and went for just doing what felt most urgent and passion-filled. So many projects, so many passions, too small my attention given to one. 

That was comfortable for me. Working on multiple things at once, when probably the thing I’m most talented at, I took for granted. I took for granted the opportunity to share my music and voice because it’s something I’ve always done. Now, I’m putting my focus on the music. That means, not performing as much and making the times that I do much more special. That means attacking some demons head-on. That means taking on an industry where I very rarely see myself. That means going a different path and working on making things clear and vulnerable for folks without losing the magic. 

Before I go, let me share some things with you that I believe in: 

I believe in an individuals’ right to define success on their own terms. 

I believe in there being another way to break into the industry without sexualizing myself. 

I believe in the power of connection and vulnerability. 

I believe in myself and my story. 

I believe I am enough. 

What do you believe in today?